Monday, November 19, 2007
We all watch porn. Don't pretend it's not true. Unless you're Amish. Then pretend away.
And whenever we watch porn, we are torn between being eroticized and being like, "Oh, like that really EVER happens?" Sure, of course when the head of the small town bank comes to foreclose on your farm he's going to see giant, erect golden nipples poking out from beneath the straps of your strategically ripped overalls and throw the papers into the air and say, "Screw it. Let's screw!" And naturally the head of the small town bank is super hot and young. And naturally the head of the small town bank makes these kinds of house calls. Naturally.
The other night I was watching, "Ink Storm." It's basically an homage to the hotness of being tattooed. It begins with a hot tattooed guy walking into a tattoo parlor and chatting it up with the even hotter tattoo artist. Another scene has a guy actually getting his penis tattooed (no, not my cup of tea) and then masturbating (I refuse to believe he was actually getting his penis tattooed in the film because I refuse to believe that you can masturbate right after getting your penis tattooed). Another scene is just two guys in a bar and the one being like, "Hot tattoos. Let me fuck you on this bar stool now."
But back to the opening scene... the tattoo artist has an extensive tattoo that starts on his head (you can see it through his buzzcut hair) and goes all the way down his body, or, at least to the top of his pants. It's an intricate tribal-design kind of work that, upon closer inspection, you realize is actually a lot of angels (he pointed this out and it is actually an impressive tattoo). The tattooed customer, naturally, asks if it goes all the way down, and the artist says that it goes to his toes, without interruption.
Naturally, the customer asks for proof of this and naturally the tattoo artist takes off his pants (but not his underwear). And naturally the customer needs further proof of the consistency of the tattoo, and the artist says, "Well, I can't show it to you out here because another customer could come in. But maybe in one of the backrooms." (Right, because a customer walking in and seeing you in your ripped briefs is totally OK.) And, naturally, in the backroom fornication commences. And it's hot, naturally.
With my last tattoo, when I was talking to the hot and hotly tattoed tattoo artist who would do the work, he asked me if I had a tattoo already. I said that I did. He asked where it was. I said on my back but I'd have to take my shirt off to show you. And then I said, "But, actually, I would like to show it to you because I've been thinking about getting it retouched." And he said, "Well, we could go into one of the back rooms." And we did. He saw my tattoo, we talked about retouching, and that was that. Strictly business.
This would be the one and only time I've seen a porn that took a mundane situation and turned into a sexually charged one ever get it close to right.
But that does beg the question: did I miss an opportunity?
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 11:15.
2 comments
2 Comments:
hmm. you got as far as the back room but DIDNT take off your pants?
of course, by telling the porn plot first you make YOUR scenario seem like the unlikely one.
maybe you should go back and try playing the scenario out a different way. after all, it's not like you couldn't find somewhere to put another tattoo, right?
Well, as it happens, I have had plans for a third tattoo for a while.
It's meant to go on a strategic (and not unerotic) part of my body. Only that part needs to be significantly better developed than it currently is before I would permit ink-filled needle to be applied to skin.
Maybe the script for the when and where is what I can let my mind wander to when I'm at the gym "prepping."
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