Saturday, December 31, 2005
|Re-entry in 17, 16...|
I return to NYC in 16 days. I decided to get a jump on things: I've started writing emails to be sent to schools by Tuesday about financial aid. I've contacted the registrar about when transcripts will be available. And last night I wrote up a new gay.com profile for myself.
My screen name is sexprimer. It's a bilingual pun, but I'm sure most people will just assume I'm talking about sex and move on.
I was in there for 2hrs from 7pm to 9pm EST. I said "Hi" to, if I had to guess, 12-15 guys? None responded and no one said hi to me on his own. This is not new. It was expected. But I do not know that I expected to take it so hard. I want to return to NYC, but, dammit, I want to take all of the French men who would stop to give me the heure of day with me. I've always felt that, despite what the gays in NYC believe, that I am attractive. That was proved to me in Rome and in Paris. Why does NYC have to be different? Moreover, why can't people just say "Hi" back to me? If they are looking for sex, "Hi. Thanks for the message, but I'm just looking right now and I don't think I'm into you." That'll suffice. Are they so lacking in character or so full of themselves that they either can't say it or think saying it would crush me? It's free to respond, takes only a second and it allows me to think that they think of me as a worthwhile fellow human being.
It may not be the race thing, but I'm pretty sure it is. Of course, the only friends I have who are gay are white and tend to not believe me. Either because they are into non-white guys themselves, or because they'd just rather believe that the world can't be such a place (even though they seem to rarely, if ever, find themselves dating or doing anything with non-white guys). It really could just be that I'm wholly unattractive, in my words as well as my pictures. But it's not as if the French or Italian sense of attraction is so different. Continent to continent, lean, toned and muscular seemed to be the preferred type on average. It's not as if when entering Paris you enter some weird dimension where it's just really hot guy/really average/unattractive guy combos walking up and down the streets of Le Marais.
And it's not as if France if devoid of racism. And the whole world now knows it.
So what is it? What makes NYC so different? Yeah, it's online, but, if anything, shouldn't that make people more likely to talk to you? I can see people putting up some sort of shoulder-popping hip-swaggering facade on the street or in the club. But online, when no one is watching, is society still so omnipresent as to continue to prevent these guys from saying, "Hi" even in private? People say it's because "It's New York. It's harder." That tells me nothing and that kind of answer is just a cop-out. Simply accepting that only goes to support the kind of oppressive social structure you're complaining about when you give such an answer. Paris isn't exactly Minneapolis. Don't expect to make friends when wandering the streets or eye contact when sitting on the Metro.
So I'm forced to ask again: what is it? Why can't I make a gay friend or go on a gay date or have gay sex or even get a gay hi in New York City? In this city, in this chat room, where people are looking for each other, why do they refuse to find one another? What are they finding instead?
Or, like I said, maybe I'm just ugly and for some reason that's just too embedded in the cultural psyche to be easily discovered, the "unconventionally attractive" (as my friends call it) features of my physical being seem to hit at just the right spot with Western European people. And that's why I can go on to Gaydar in NYC and for weeks not get a response (save for from a European coming to NYC for vacation) and yet in Paris I turn it on and come back to it 8 hours later and I have 17 messages, 15 of which are from guys who are both my age and hot.
So what is it? Maybe it's nothing. Fucking welcome back to America. That's what it is.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 05:16.
2 comments
________________________
Thursday, December 29, 2005
|The bains in my backyard.|Yesterday I discovered that there is a gay gym and sauna (read: bathhouse) no less than two blocks away from me: Les Bains d'Odessa.Imagine my surprise at knowing that any one of these nights when I've sat, sexually unsatisfied, I could have gone, worked out, swam, steamed and baissered all without leaving the quartier.I have to wonder what the other residents of this building think of having a gay bathhouse there. What must they say when friends come over for the first time and ask, "Did you know there's a bath in this building? What's it like? Is it expensive?" and they say, "Uhm... they aren't really those kinds of baths..."I arrived just in time to catch the last five minutes of a porn with this guy. I guess he wasn't lying about being a porn actor. Nothing makes you feel quite like hot shit at a bathhouse as much as knowing that you've done the guy on the TV.It was a nice place, very clean, very warm. The decor was a little too New Orleans Vampire Bordello for my tastes, but in a way it felt correct. I cruised and was cruised. Swam, floated, steamed, and showered. And I stopped the hottest guy there, a well toned and nicely built young North African-looking guy, as he was passing me for the second time, pressed him up against the wall, kissed the nape of his neck, the crook of his upraised arm, lightly but forcefully slid my lips over his erect nipples, grabbed him by the towel and led him into a private room, grabbed a few condoms from the self-help bowl on the way, and closed the door.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 18:39.
4 comments
________________________
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
|French Thieves.|I do not mind that it takes as much as a month for a letter to arrive.I do not mind that it costs over a dollar to mail a postcard to the States.My friend's mother sent me a tiny little package, with loose, wonderfully scented tea, sleeves to brew it in, and a letter that congratulates me on my law school successes and says, "Take the money and celebrate." I emailed my friend and asked her if her mother was referencing the full-ride offer from Wisconsin that I'd told my friend about or perhaps money her mother'd sent me to fêter my good fortune that was not in the padded envelope. She emailed her mother, her mother emailed her back and my friend informed me that, yes, her mother had sent money. She does this with her own kids now and then like, "Here's $40 for being super. Why don't you and a friend go to dinner and a movie." Her parents are by no means loaded, but they are good parents who understand the importance of positive reinforcement.I do not mind that the French routinely open packages.I do, however, mind that they STOLE the money that was sent to me out of my package.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 19:08.
1 comments
________________________
Friday, December 23, 2005
|Un atelier à un.|Tonight I went to the Louvre to take part in their "Nocturnes du vendredi" series -- specials and workshops for any and all (aimed at the under 26) to get to know a little bit more about art and/or the Louvre.For tonight, one of the ones being offered was a hands-on fresco activity. And I was the only one there.During 3hrs I had my own private session with a professional artist and instructor on the process of painting a fresco. During the periods where the paint had to dry, he walked me around the museum, showing me some frescos and explaining how they were created and what was so great about each one individually, and the style as a whole.My work, itself, was not worth keeping so I left it there. Plus, I have enough to carry back to the States without adding large slab of poorly painted brick.What was the coolest part of the evening? I caught almost every word.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 18:37.
2 comments
________________________
|A present for myself.|I decided that I would treat myself to a new iPod (because at the time my old one had less than 2 weeks remaining on its warranty and I was not aware of an Apple store in Paris), but only if three conditions were met:1) I received money from my "mother" for Christmas2) I received good grades3) I got into another Top law school before the end of winter breakI realized today that all 3 conditions have been met. BUT I found the other day that there is one retailer in Paris who will ship iPods to Apple to be fixed or replaced. That was on Tuesday. I picked up my brand new replacement iPod today. So now my current one is again under warranty for another 90 days (or a year -- the tech guy was a little unclear on that, or maybe it's 'cause he was speaking in French). So I probably shouldn't get the new iPod. Especially since it's the first one with video and who knows -- perhaps in no less than a few months a new new one will come out. At the same time, I could try and sell my current iPod (even though it's the year before last year's model) and use that along with the Christmas money to buy the new iPod and not actually spend a dime... which would not be the case if I waited because then, a few months or a year from now, the money from my mother would be spent and my current iPod would really have no resale value.Thoughts?
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 11:50.
1 comments
________________________
Thursday, December 22, 2005
|Home Alone.|I woke up this morning to find the apartment empty. There was a note on the kitchen table. It said, "SWS2.1, have whatever you want from the fridge. I hope that we will see each other at the beginning of January. Happy New Year, Parisian Mom."Now, I knew they were leaving. And I knew they were leaving today. But I assumed they'd be returning sometime next week, not sometime in January. And I do hope we see one another since I need to get my security deposit back. As well, I was supposed to take care of the petite chatte. But she appears to be gone, too. Plus, I do not know if only Parisian Mom's gone for a while, but that her sons will return separately, since they aren't actually that far away.But no matter how you slice it, I have the house to myself.::slaps face:: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 05:39.
0 comments
________________________
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
|This is getting to be a little ridiculous.|But it's best to get while the getting is good: In at Northwestern (that makes 3 out of the "Top 14" schools [I could explain why 14 is the magic number, but I'm lazy and you probably don't care]).Unexpected? You might say that, considering that they have an Early Decision program and they only just started letting anyone in today.Concerned? A little, considering the fact that it looks like (assuming my gross gross income of $11k this year doesn't somehow tell law schools that I can afford to pay even a penny) I may have a really tough (really fun) decision to make in a few months.Crazy excited? You bet. Last year's graduates from Northwestern have a salary range (not that money matters, but let's face it...) from $38k-$145k, with $125k as the average. And the low end are most likely only those in public service or judicial clerkships, which means most people are making closer to the high end. Now, it's not like I would expect to make so much money, but how crazy would it be if 3.5 years from now I've gone from making $11k a year to making $145k a year (and not being in debt from law school loans?!?!?!!!!?!!??!!?).Fuxor!!!!!!1!111!!!!1!1!!!11!!!
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 18:49.
1 comments
________________________
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
|Anathema.|I was looking at the Fordham Law website for admitted students. There was a picture of some guys playing soccer in a grassy park. And then I remembered that the law school is right there by the West Side Highway and I might rollerblade more often if I lived over there.And then I thought about all of the hot gay guys who are always rollerblading around in that area. And I remembered how (hot) gay guys treat me.And suddenly my chest was... impaled. By or on what? My fear, I assume. I was taken with this almost paralysis at the thought of having to spend even one more day in a city where the population I've been cursed to find attractive hates me so very much.I cannot attend law school in New York City, can I?
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 16:36.
3 comments
________________________
Monday, December 19, 2005
|Who knew Yale reads my blog?|
"Dear SWS2.1,
Your application for admission to Yale Law School is complete. We will communicate with you again when a decision has been reached. Because our entire faculty is involved in reviewing applications our review process naturally takes longer than that of most schools.
As stated in our application the majority of our decisions are made in February and March. Please do not contact the admissions office inquiring about the status of your application, frequent phone and email inquiries delay consideration of applications.
Thank you for your interest in Yale.Yale Law School Admissions Office"
Oh, and I found out that I was accepted to Georgetown today, also.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 15:11.
0 comments
________________________
|100 Days of Total BS.|I applied to Yale 100 days ago.They "received" my application (they sent me an email acknowledging something that I already knew to be true for nearly a month) 71 days ago.I will not be reviewed until I'm officially "complete." Now, in the long run, this doesn't matter, but the point is that people who applied less than 2 weeks ago are officially complete. I called Yale, they said that nothing appears to be missing, but that I am not complete (not incomplete, just not complete) and that they will notify me of when that changes. Shouldn't the fact that they know nothing is missing from my application indicate that my application is "complete"?Here's to 100 more days of total BS.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 04:27.
0 comments
________________________
Saturday, December 17, 2005
|Supposedly it's a tool of the Devil.|I've always wanted to be ambidextrous. I feel so limited, and I don't care for that. I'd like to be able to brush my teeth with my left hand once in a while without getting toothpaste on my cheek.So I've decided, as a winter break project, I'm going to spend 30min a day teaching my left hand to write.We'll see how this works out.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 05:53.
2 comments
________________________
Thursday, December 15, 2005
|Like a Fun House mirror.|This has been THE longest semester I can ever recall having. As this week, as this day, as this afternoon approached I've been groaning and nearly clawing to the finale.Between taking all of my classes and French and constantly feeling behind and applying to law schools and getting into law schools everything has just felt so distorted, so Dali.But as a great man once said, "This too shall pass." I have one more class to attend and then it will be over. And I'll have displayed before me like some willing and consenting spread-eagled concubine a full month of vacation time in the City of Lights to pillage and plunder.Flush.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 08:06.
0 comments
________________________
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
|The Proof is in the PDF.|I was deferred from UPenn. Like I said a bit back at the Cornell scare (still waiting to actually hear from them), I fully expected to, at best, get deferred from all of my EA schools because I imagine they are going to want to see this term's grades.UPenn told me in a response to my change of address email that they had mailed my letter on Friday. History has shown that the first batch of letters to go out from UPenn tends to be rejections and, in fact, I'm currently only one of two people listed on LSN who did not get a rejection from that first batch, the other also being a deferral. I responded that the letter might not get to me due to the inadequacies of the French postal system. And they kindly emailed me the PDF of what I was sure was a rejection.But, nope, I've been held for further review. They said that they will need to see my Fall 2005 grades (so I should really get to sleep since I have a big final exam in 8.25hrs) and that I'm free to send additional materials should I be so inclined (a new recommendation letter, another essay, etc.). I actually would like to send them a letter from my France Afrique prof. (the one for the impending exam that I do think will be the hardest I've ever sat for), but her English is lacking and... well, she's French = there's no way I could be sure she'd get it done in time. I'll decided after the final tomorrow.At bottom, a deferral from UPenn probably does mean good things for most of the other schools I've applied to, right?
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 20:09.
0 comments
________________________
Monday, December 12, 2005
|Gmail Headlines.|Gmail recently started running headlines links at the top of the list of emails in the window. They come from sources such as the NYT, Reuters and the Associated Press.I had wondered but hadn't bothered to give much thought to if they use the same algorithim to determine what ads to display on the side based on words in my emails to determine the headlines on top.Today I looked in my Spam folder and as I was about to close the window, I noticed the headline at the top. Not a link to a news article, but to a recipe:"Ginger Spam Salad - Serves 1, refrigerate overnight."I do not know what I find sadder: the fact that they are offering me a recipe of which a spam is such a key component that it's in the title or the fact that it only serves 1.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 14:11.
0 comments
________________________
|Damn the man.|I think I'm starting to hate Harvard's Assistant Dean (means the head) for Admissions, Toby Stock.Like, really. And, by proxy, Harvard as well. I really hope I get in so I can say what I think of him and his blog to his face, politely and with all due respect, of course, without them thinking that it's the embittered discourse of a reject.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 14:00.
0 comments
________________________
Friday, December 09, 2005
|Not having a proper word doesn't seem to be getting in their way.|The French do not have a good word for date. There's "rendez-vous" which sounds a little clandestine or just overly formal. I've heard "sortie," but I think that person was just grasping at straws. Perhaps it's due to a stronger interest in romance and less in casual flirtation, but this is a word that does not exist in the French language (as it is recognized by the Académie Française -- I wouldn't doubt there is a word for it in argot, or French slang).Yet, they know how to do it.I've been talking to this guy online since before I arrived to Paris. Our conversations were infrequent, provoked by what might best be described as bumping into one another in cyberspace. With only six weeks to go, I said to him a few days ago that I sincerely hoped we'd be able to meet before I leave for the States. He responded, "I didn't know you were interested in meeting me." Apparently the fact that I'd placed a "flame" (the meaning of which is self-explanatory) on his profile had escaped his notice for four months. I pointed this out to him and, yes, he had only just noticed it that day, supposedly.So last night, we had a date. It was an odd date, but well done nonetheless. We were supposed to go out to dinner and possibly see a movie. Instead, we went to his place. When I arrived, fresh fish was in the oven, rice was in the hot pot, and he was cutting up apples for the tart he was making. And then we sat back on his couch and watched four episodes in a row of Absolutely Fabulous. At some point he asked me what I was doing tomorrow (today) and I said nothing, except my dance class at 1.30 and school work. He said, "Great, because I do not want to have to wake up early tomorrow." Well, that was one moment of awkwardness out of the way. After the AbFab, we retired to his bedroom. We didn't have sex. We made out a lot and did other things. And then cuddled into sleep.This morning we woke up. He served me orange juice and tea and biscuits in bed. We got dressed. And he said, "So we have to see a movie next week. I'll call you on Monday when I get back," (he's going to Lyon for the weekend).You might say that this is perhaps in line with the idea of romance and not casual dating, but between serving me orange juice and tea and biscuits and getting dressed, he also got onto his computer and checked various online gay date(sex)ing accounts and was even chatting with someone on MSN. If that doesn't casualize the date, I do not know what does.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 06:41.
1 comments
________________________
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
|"Oh no... my wallet's too small for my $50s and my diamond shoes are too tight."|This week I got into Fordham and into Cardozo.And I'm not feeling great about it. Good, but not great.I'm feeling mostly like a heel because I got into Michigan and Wisconsin (one a top school, the other a top choice) and that totally deflates the joy I'd have felt had I gotten into Cardozo or Fordham first. When I started this process, I expected not to get in anywhere. I thought that Cardozo and Brooklyn, the schools I want to attend least (because of their location moreso than anything else [I want to leave NYC for a while]) were as much reaches as Yale and UChicago, because in a way,Infinity = Infinity+Infinity = (Infinity)(Infinity).But then I got into Michigan. Not just a top school, but the top of the top, a smidge from the top of the top of the top. And then the next day I got into a school that has been a top choice of mine, Wisconsin, will full-tuition and a stipend. So while I'm happy to be into 2 of my bottom-choice schools, I'm not ecstatic. And I would have been had I not heard from Wisc or Mich before them.But I certainly don't want my Wisconsin or Michigan acceptances taken away. And I know that, had I found out from Cardozo or Fordham beforehand and found out from Michigan this week, Michigan would completely blind me to Fordham and Cardozo. I fear I'd forget they were even there.So I suppose it's better this way.
promulgated by SWS2.1 at 13:45.
0 comments
________________________