The Septimus Notes

Saturday, May 20, 2006

|Revelation.|

I was in the shower this morning thinking about how I again wanted to stop going online to gay dating/sex/chat sites, but also thinking, "But how can I? I mean, eventually I'm going to find someone who finds me attractive and/or wants to be my friend." Of course, then I thought, "That's probably not true."

I am constantly going back and forth (or not really back and forth so much as I have these battling, conflicting thoughts in myhead all the time). And then I started a new thought. "I am a logical, rational person. I'm sure there is a way I can reason myself out of using gay websites."

I started from, "Does it achieve it's goals?" Eight years of almost complete and total failure says no. And through successive baby steps I actually came to a way in which I can 1) fight the urge to go to gay sites for social interaction and 2) have faith that gay men aren't all horrible people and 3) actually try and make friends/date them, but only in the physical realm.

I think the fact that I began this calculus in the shower in the morning (my two favorite things in this life are showers and mornings) really helped. I think that maybe the negative outlook I tend to have right before I go to bed about how no one finds me interesting or attractive or could ever want anything to do with me and how I'll never have someone to lie in the grass with would have set up strong roadblocks to my achieving this clarity. Just maybe.

So, here we go. Once again, from here on out, it's a whole new Jan Brady.

promulgated by SWS2.1 at 12:07.
0 comments

0 Comments: